Addiction Fucking your Mother

Just got back from the club, and I am fucking tuckered. My whole body aches, but the feet are surprisingly well off, not like financially, I mean, my feet aren’t rich….uggghhhhh. This is going nowhere. I have to take a different approach to this journal entry, because I feel a rant coming on, and I just need to funnel it down the right passage ways, the most productive and meaningful transitions, and not allow myself to venture off track. It can be an exploratory adventure, but you stray too far off the desired track and you’re lost in the fucking woods, pissed off that you brought your kids out to cut Christmas trees down, and goddamnit why didn’t I get a garmin? Keaneau Reeves is tearing apart the television screen on tbs, and although he has moments where he’s not the one, he is forever the one. And then the bus movie guy. Ahhh Neo. I can’t even begin to put the mind around any of those concepts at this late hour so not even gonna try. In fact, not quite sure why I’m writing in the first place, other than that I read this book once, “On Writing” and the little known author Stephen King reminds those of you who write to write. You have to write. Whether you feel like it or not. Whether anything good comes out of it or not. You have to write. Because otherwise you won’t.

What an incredible concept. So much would get done if we were all able to adopt his style of living in every aspect of our lives. For instance, I wouldn’t be talking myself out of running tomorrow, out of anything, out of…..

Not smoking cigarettes. WHY DO THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS GET ME LIKE THAT? LIKE THIS? I hate them I hate them I hate them. I have two left in the pack in the room which means I smoked HECKA cigarettes, and its just amazing how quickly I allow myself to be weak and start all over again. I can’t start again. Maybe I need that pill thingie. Maybe back on the patch? Maybe I need to just grow a pair and have a little bit of fucking will power. Its just like writing, but opposite, you just have to write, you just have to NOT smoke. Easy as that right?

If its that easy then why am I going to go into that room tomorrow and kill those last with my lighter and lung power? Damnit. Fucking addiction is such a motherfucker.

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~ by Penny Flame on April 4, 2008.

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