Noted Momentss

My sister turned 20 yesterday. Fuck man. I called her late at night, partially because I know she works during the day, every day in fact, but partially because I just forgot it was her birthday. Perhaps I intentionally forgot. I mean, I knew, I just don’t like dealing with the fact that she is getting older because it reminds me that I too am aging, rather rapidly.

Whatever. Fuck it. Only as old as you act right? I must be a fucking five year old.

I have recently fallen in love. With an author named Tucker Max. He is supposedly the biggest asshole/player ever (self acclaimed) and I’m wondering if fucking him would be a good goal to set. I kind of think it wouldn’t be, just because it may change the interesting relationship I have developing with The Boss, who I would much rather play a roll in my soapy opera than Tucker Max. Tucker Max is more of a fascination, his behavior and lifestyle only something I aspire to. And I don’t even know that I want to be like him, as much as I’d just like to go out drinking with him, maybe just for one night. I’d like to spend one night with Tucker Max Drunk. Maybe I will myspace him.

The Boss is an interesting character. I’m not quite sure how to approach the traces of affection developing in my stomach. This is a feeling that is slowly spreading into my blood, and circulating through me. Have I allowed myself to become attached a little bit? Is it possible? It started as an entirely sexual, lustful fancy, and now I want to sit at his kitchen table while he plays with different kinds of foods and takes me on a culinary journey, starting with the fundamental tastes with which he will be working, and step by step building, from jalapenos, to sun dried tomatoes with mozzerella. by the time the meal is finished, I’m ready to explode, our foreplay served on forks, and ladles.

I’ve been replaying a moment in my mind, and it went something like this.

We are laying in bed in Cabo, playing, post coitus, and I look him in the eye and tell him the truth.

Me: I don’t want to go home. I want to stay in Cabo.

Him: Well here, how about this.

(This is where he pulls the white linen sheets up and over both our heads and places his face almost nose to nose with mine.)

Him: Now we can be anywhere. And anytime we’re here, we can be anywhere.

Me: I’m glad we are right here.

I haven’t seen him all week, which is okay, because after spending the weekend together, a break is good, it will make the heart grow fonder. But I have to admit, I kind of miss having him around. I like that I can ask him silly questions, and he not only knows the answer but makes me feel good about having asked at all. Very responsive. Incredibly interesting. And has a mind for detail. Like when we were in the kitchen cooking, he gave me a glass with a small bit of white wine. Just to taste. Just to put on your lips. He had me try the same thing with tequila on a previous date, and I couldn’t get past the point of thinking “Okay, I smell it, then I have to drink it”. But I didn’t even realize I was making this association, and the association prejudiced my sniffer. Anyway, he pointed out that I don’t have to drink it, and suddenly, the smell changed, because my stomach didn’t get squeamish, and I understood.

And then the second time I went to taste the wine “just put it on my lips”, I gulped it, not even thinking, poor form. Look back, his head is cocked slightly to the left, we make eye contact, he notes the absence of wine in my glass as I see the same, virtually untouched except by his bottom lip, full amount in his, and there is this moment.

I’m not quite sure what it was, but there was a moment, one that I feel should be noted and recognized. I feel like this moment will foreshadow a future event. But it isn’t something to hold on to, so it was written, and now I’ll let it go.

Anyway, I’m heading to SD tomorrow. B-snaps comes back tonight and is gonna kick it this weekend, so I may just stick around longer. Maybe go for a hike tomorrow morning, its been a cool minute since we went out. Tonight going to Firefly, can’t wait for the honey comb and stinky cheese. And vino. Love vino.

San Diego is coming to an end. My little life down there. I know why I tried to go back, but my life just isn’t there any more. And that’s okay. LA is going to be great to me, and I’m going to be great here, but I’m gonna live it up in SD before I bounce. I’m having Christian come down on Monday to fuck my brains out, and then I’ll be back up here Tuesday for some casting calls. But this weekend is going to be a good one. Gonna call Bud Bleeze and Nubs and get twisted. Get some crazy footage for

This is where all my efforts will be going for the rest of my career,, unless it is a major film by a major company.

My website is my own production company, and I need to look at it like that. Because that is what will make me successful, and its time I do my own shit. And to do it BIG.


~ by Penny Flame on May 2, 2008.

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