Control Issues

The ball is rolling. In fact, its not so much rolling, as it is being projected in to the starry night sky, the highest height of any dream I’ve dreamt. Never before has this feeling of self control washed over me. And I’m not talking about self control like I’m not smoking a cigarette right now, no, that is a different exercise for a different day. Its more about being able to control my career and thus my life simply through the actions I commit to on a daily basis. Three days ago I decided it was time to put some energy into cam shows, and now, I’ve already signed the release and am simply waiting for my account to be approved, which Dwreck said it would be immediately.

I feel like falling asleep, but I know its only because this bomb herb I smoked an hour ago. Just too much. Fucking blunts. I need to cut you out of my smoking ritual because I just get too fucked up.

Besides being a touch overwhelmed with the whole job exploding thing, I’ve got to admit, I am totally falling head over heels for this cat. He makes me want to be the best me I can be, and that is such an amazing thing to feel. To want to better yourself because someone makes you see your own potential. I’ve never felt so confident as when I look at myself through his eyes, which is funny because I’ve never questioned someone liking me as much as I do him. And I know he does, because he tells me he does. But I kind of like the tiny flicks of doubt in my brain, because it makes me want to fight for his affection. Even if its only by being who I really and truly am.

I’m going to go eat ice cream and rot my brain with some good old fashioned American Idol.

And I’m going to cross my fingers that he calls and wants to snuggle. Its gonna be a long week in Texas and I sure would like a goodbye kiss/entire evening fuck session. J


~ by Penny Flame on May 13, 2008.

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