Room to grow

I sat in my room for twenty minutes staring at the screensaver. If you have a mac you know about nature patterns. Or you can choose to know about it now. Twenty minutes.

And the thoughts that popped in and out of my stoney pot infused brain flew. But in the time keeps on ticking ticking ticking, into the future way, where I felt as if for one moment everything started to make sense. The world slowed down just the slightest bit, and allowed me and my brain to catch up to reality, to actual time. And now here I am, in the backyard, and the moment was so fleeting it escaped me in the time it took to walk from my bedroom to the backyard. Not long.

I have this buddy Snugs, and if you’ve been reading my blogs for awhile, you know that he is my partner in crime. He is the dude I got arrested with in Havasu, he’s my buddy since 11, and he still to this day blames me for his failing to graduate High School.

I would show up to school, Jamba Juice overflowing with Vodka, freshly out of my hot-boxed Mustang. God I was so cool for 16. Snugs would always be standing at the back entrance of the student lot, harassing the narc Jerry, who I assure you was no narc, patiently awaiting my arrival. I would waltz up the stairs in my cheerleading skirt, vest, and ribbon wrapped around the ponytail. During winter I would throw our school sweats on underneath. So cool.

Me: Time to go Snugs, I think we should hit 35 spot and smoke a joint. Let me drive your car motherfuckah!

Snugs: Bunnyluf, you are wwwwaaaaaaaaaaaassted! You ain’t driving my car nowhere! I’LL drive.

Me: Deal. Take me to the forest!

From here we would drive through our little sleepy town and into the national redwood forest that separates the Mt. Diablo area from Oakland and Berkeley. This is the most gangster shit any kid could have wished for growing up. Nothing to do? Park at 35 and go for a walk in the trees. Drive to skyline, park, and smoke a blunt overlooking the entire San Francisco bay. Nowhere to party? Throw a keg in the middle of the woods. To have access to such a limitless activity was such a gift. Nature is crazy.

Anyway its these forest drives that Snugs claims ruined his chance at graduating, being that he was constantly skipping school to hang out with my drunk and stoned ass, and he was usually just as drunk and stoned. But it never made sense to me, because I graduated. Years later, and hindsight is always 20/20, I realize he never had the grades I did. When he didn’t show up, he was fucked. I just had to reread the chapter.

I think Snugs had a moment of clarity himself earlier this year. This guy has made more life changes, and no we aren’t talking about sexual shiftschangers or anything cool and involved, than anybody I know. I’m just talking about responsibility, and the overwhelming sense that time is just going to keep on tick tick ticking away.

In a matter of two weeks, he joined the armed forces, and proposed to his girl. I asked him what the fuck he was doing. And I love her dearly, actually would like to kick it with her like Mrs. Snugs, but damn homie.

Me: Ummm…,you did what?

Snugs: Buns, you know I can’t sit up in the forest growing pot all my life. Its not good on any resume.

Me: I know buns, but you. Did. What?

Snugs: I gotta do something. And they’re gonna let me play with M-16’s.

I laughed and cried because it’s true and he does have to do something, even if its going to play with guns in far away battles that can never be won. And Mrs. Snugs is a dope chick and she’s gonna be a nurse, and they are gonna be stoked on each other, and she’ll make sure he doesn’t get too drunk and he’ll make sure that she gets way too drunk, and I think that his moment of clarity may have been the most beautifully pristine moment of his life.

So I was sitting on the floor watching my nature patterns screensaver and realized that my moments of clarity are frequent, but in my stoned haze I keep missing the point of my internal dialogue, my struggle. I keep overlooking the obvious answers in search of some complex resolution, complete with diagrams and graphs. It isn’t difficult, seeing what you need to do. Because it is all right in front of you, if you are willing to put your ego aside and review your life with brutally honest eyes. I’ve always felt like some light from above will shine down and beam directly into my forehead and I will be infused with the knowledge of a path, and not so much your typical purpose.

The good thing about paths is that they, like trails, are pretty much limitless in where they can take you. All over the green hills of Oakland, from 35, past the hairpin, and all the way to the top. And even when you get to the top. There is still room to grow, still a forest in which to frolic.

But no shining light will ever beam into my forehead, not unless I get pulled over at night and the cop thinks I’m shady. But no light of truth, and guidance. We are guided only by our decisions, and the hope that when we make one, it is the right one.

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~ by Penny Flame on July 19, 2008.

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