Christian

Today has already been difficult. Immediately upon waking, there is a text from a dear friend of mine, Christian. I am not sure whether I will ever publish this, because of its sensitive nature. Not because it is sensitive to me, but because it will be for him. As he said, “this decision will effect every girl that has an opportunity to work with me” and as I said “its your decisions Christian that have created a situation where I don’t feel comfortable working with you. It is my feelings and my prerogative. The way I feel will not effect other performers. What you choose to do with your dick will.”

Now, I’ve been good friends with Christian for a while now. A couple years in fact have passed. We got off to a rough start, but that’s because I am a rough girl to get close to if you are as head strong and dry as Christian. The first time we hung out, I picked him up from the gym and he commented almost immediately on the cd’s that were covering the roof of my car, which I thought at the time, was a pretty cool way to keep your cd’s off the ground. Stick em on the roof. Well, Christian wanted to go to Tower Records, I took him, and he came out bearing a cd organizer. This was hard for me to swallow because we did not know each other that well, and I felt like he was already trying to change the way I run my life, and my cd collection. I laughed, never used his gift, and in the end, we ended up being friends because we live out our lives in very similar manners. We both do exactly as we want to do, with almost no regard for what other people say. When I say almost, it is because this small difference is what came in between us today. This morning. With his text.

“I’m going to very calmly ask you to tell me what you told LADirect.”

I then got calls from other people saying that Christian had already contacted them in regard to the matter at hand. Oh wait, did I not explain what my problem is? Sorry….

I’ve known for as long as he and I have been friends that he likes Trannies. Never once have I condemned him for his choices, I’ve actually been proud to call him my friend because it takes a lot of courage to come out in this business and be honest and open with your likes, and sexual orientation. However, I for some reason thought that he was performing with them wearing condoms. This is what made it all okay with me to still perform with him. Recently, I found some DVDs where he is having unprotected sex with trannies. He says an AIM test should be good for anyone, and that my AIM test is no better than he/she’s. I said that 80% of the talent performs outside of the industry, behind closed doors, and this fact alone makes me hesitant to work with a bunch of performers. He said

You don’t think I would use a condom outside of work?

Me: It doesn’t have to do with you Christian. Its that I don’t use a condom outside of work (being that I’m only having sex with one person sans cam) and if I ever passed anything on to the ONE person I have sex with off camera, I would die. And I don’t know what you do off camera, and I don’t know what the trannies do off camera, and I don’t know what any person male of female does off camera, and I sure as fuck don’t care, but I know this. It probably isn’t with aim tested people, and I judge what I think people do off camera by how they behave ON camera. And if 80% of the straight industry does shit OFF camera? What percentage am I looking at with Bi? With Gay? Why would you think it would be any different? This is a dangerous business we’re in Christian, and you have to take every precaution to protect your health and safety that you can. All I told LADirect was that I wanted to use a condom with you. Not that I wouldn’t fuck you.

Him: Well I will never use a condom. They are stupid and that’s why we get AIM tested.

Me: Well then it’s your choice not to work with me. Not the other way around. I’m sorry.

I cried through the entire conversation. Not because he was mad at me, but because he doesn’t see the danger in swinging back and forth from both sides of the industry. Ask Chi-Chi. Or Jim Lane. Everyone who shoots gay shoots condom. EVERYONE. It’s safe. It makes things more difficult yes, but I’d rather have a long day trying to keep a guy hard than catch the hiv. And most people who shoot gay only shoot gay, straight stays with straight. There just isn’t much mingling. When there is, it’s a big stir, and Christian, and all the other male talent that have been “gay for pay” have felt the brunt of the criticism. And not that only gay or trannie performers pose a threat. Every single person in this business that has sex off camera unprotected is posing a threat to every other person in this business, whether or not they behave in the same manner. Myself included. Everytime I have sex with Bossman without a condom, there is not only the threat of me giving him something, but also him giving me something. But I know where his dick goes, because he tells me, and I know that he uses condoms with other chicks if he fucks em, because he used one with me the first couple times we fucked. If I asked him to get a 30 day test, he probably would. No, he definitely would.

I cried because Christian doesn’t understand the seriousness of his “do whatever I want” attitude. I do whatever I want, but never things that I feel will hurt other people, my friends OR enemies, and I never do things that I think will damage my career. Take weed smoking for example. While I realize some people may not agree with my choice to smoke, I will never chastise them for disliking me for doing so. But the only person I’m the only person I pose a threat to when stoned. Well, and my fridge.

Christian doesn’t see this as risky behavior. And everyone else I ask seems to feel as I do, “Do whatever you want” but if you wanna fuck TS? Wear a jimmy. You’re right, my AIM test is no better or different than his. And I am no better or different than him. I just don’t know him. And Christian’s lack of understanding makes me feel like I don’t know Christian either.

I’m not sure what kind of note we ended on. He said he has a lot of thinking to do, some self evaluation. I agreed. I’m not some (in his words dumb) 18 year old making a judgement based on what other little 18 year olds tell me, or what I heard through the grapevine. I’m a mature woman, trying to make mature decisions. Trying to make smart, and safe decisions. And I don’t agree with the decision he made to take off the rain coat. You can fuck whoever, whatever and however you want in this industry. But if you want to perform the day after, you better play your cards safe. As safe as you can.

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~ by Penny Flame on July 28, 2008.

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