The Production of Waste

I should drive to San Diego tonight to give my landlord her money. I should blog. I should buy a couple dresses for the Miami forum this week and pack my shit up. We should all do a lot of things. But instead I chose to adopt a furry little creature, lovingly refered to as my waste producer. Yes, Saucy Blueberry Cupcake III pees and shits every chance she gets, and everywhere she goes. She does it in front of me so much, I’m not sure she does it when I’m not around. Tree in the woods? This would work out well if she was shitting and pissing where she was supposed to be instead of my living room floor, or car (I hope the guy who leased me the Benz isn’t reading this). Ugh. Sorry dude.

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This has caused a little difficulty in my life but I have constructed a super cleaning belt that prepares you for life’s little messes, at any point. It may sound like I’m sitting here and complaining, but I assure you my complaints are small. There are much bigger problems in the world, and if any of them could be fixed with some paper towels and 409 attached to a belt…well lets pontificate the problems and create some solution belts.

Dumb Bitch Belt (DBB): this belt is to be worn by men who are constantly dealing with incredibly dumb or just plain difficult women. On your left side is an extra hand (perhaps one off a manikin) just in case your pimp hand gets tired. On your right side is a little buzzer that, every time you push it, shocks the bitch you have to deal with, kind of like that electric shock colar for dogs. This belt also comes in pink, smaller sizes, for ladies. that have to deal with incredibly dumb or difficult men, or even just tall bald men who talk shit on their blog about you. Who are also bitches.

Late for Work Belt: This belt is to be worn by anyone who is perpetually late for work. On the right side is a button that readjusts all the clocks within a mile radius to 20 minutes prior your current late time. The left side has breathe strips because you probably forgot to brush your teeth after last night and you can’t be goin to work with stink breath.

Angry Boss Belt: Do you dread going to work because your short little boss’ passive-aggressive attempts to control start you the second you walk through the door and end in a crescendo of little post-it notes on the coffee machine, or reminders on the fridge about how many calories are in each snacky treat treat in the fridge? This belt is for you! Equipped with two different pheromones, one that causes your boss to be completely terrified of you, and the other that causes him to fall head over heals in love with you. Use as you see fit, and then use as you see fit. If sprayed simultaneously, he will experience a scene that closely resembles Frodo’s experience with Lady Galadriel in Rivendell, “And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!”. Very scary.

Not that Cute Belt: were you born lacking something I like to call good looks? Well, this new belt can fix all your problems. The left side has a shot dispenser hooked up to a jagerator in a small backpack, and the right side has a little vile of cocaine. Not for you, but I can almost guarantee if your problem is as big as I think it would be to buy this belt, the bitch (guy or girl) is going to need something to straighten her up and make her want you more. Even if its just for your jager and cocaine dispensing belt.

Idiots on the Road Belt: Tired of being cut off on the 101 north? Sick of assholes getting in your way when all you want to do is drive to your local whorehouse? This belt comes equipped with three (yes three) buttons. The one of the left triggers those awesome spikes that come out of your tires so you can rip his to shreds. The button on the right activates the machine gun that we’ve cleverly attached on to the grill of your car, and only hits his tires or his trunk. Which should be enough to scare him. The third button is more of a chamber, and when you hold a lighter to it, soothing marijuana vapor is emitted into the vehicle, helping you to forget this terrible day ever happened.

And these are small every day problems my belts can fix. Just imagine if there was a belt that caused world peace. Or take idiotic money spending presidents out of office. My dog peeing and shitting is no big problem. Its not even a small problem. Actually, with my awesome new belt, its no problem at all. Shit and piss away you little fucker, I can make dirty real clean.

Ps, I’ve already trademarked all these belts so don’t get any funny ideas.

Qutoe J. R. R. Tolkien – The Fellowship Of The Ring (first published in 1954)

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~ by Penny Flame on August 2, 2008.

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