A cheers

Here I am. Writing. So proud of myself yes…yaaaaasssssss. 11:01pm, not asleep on the couch, like the last three nights assed the fuck out at 7:30 of that bomb kush and days off, and here I am, its fuckin dark outside, I had a hard day beating grown men’s asses, brain awake. And hands typing.

In Europe, the need to write took me, every single day. So every single day it was down to the coffee shop, or corner bar for a morning glass of wine, or an evening espresso, down to write and write and fill the pages of the small leather journal that had been carried around Europe. Every day, even if it was nothing, just blahlalalalababababa ddooooooodeeeeblop, and words with letters that didn’t quite fit, or only fit in other languages, some made up entirely, I would write.
Here is my question….Why was that so easy to do there, but not here?
Is it because writing every day, all day, is what I set out to do?
Or is it because I was lonely and switched people for pages?

These are the two first answers, shining equally over all the piddily other lame excuses for not writing my little heart out the entire time I’ve been home, these ones I can’t pick between. This question needs to be addressed before I ask the main question, which will directly follow this ever so brief discussion.

The first answer: “It is because writing every day, all day, is what I set out to do.”

Leaving from LAX is always fucking hell. And when you are going to be gone for a month, no, even packing for a week sucks balls, but that month of fucking luggage and the ride there, packed car, unsure of what quite to say other than “goodbye” or perhaps “in case I never see you again” but not actually saying your goodbyes, too nervous of its actuality, trips, airplanes trains and automobiles, it was through all this, I started to write, because when I made the plans to go, I wanted to go for a month and do just this, exactly as I did. And it was fantastic. This choice, this answer is the empowering answer.

Second Answer: “Loneliness.”

most artists tend to excel at their art, when they are fucked up, fucked over, tormented, depressed, or just plain lonely. Not to say you ol flamey pie is fucked up fucked over, tormented or even depressed. But there, admittedly, and self punishingly, I was lonely. And I loved it. I danced in the loneliness, wrapping its cold embrace around my northface fleece jacket, puffing my hash filled cigarette smoke into its frosty goodness while scribbling illegible words down on soggy Louvre pond water soaked pages, sipping a fine glass of merlot (with the “t” sound for kicks) from a bottle with a brown bag around it. I like being alone. Its good for thinking, and wandering aimlessly, and discovering. 🙂 And I was never really alone, constantly surrounded by people, passing through my arms and through the streets and fields to the hills, all of them just passing passing passing, living, going going trying goodbye. But I certainly didn’t stick with any one. Is this the cause behind the productivity? Plenty of time to observe and not enough time actually in moving life with the rest of the creatures in motion constantly going doing, always rushing.

Main Question Time

Can there be two answers to one question? How gray is gray, from black to white? like Charcoal? gunmetal? silver? How many answers can be fixed to one question? And how many answers can you make up before insanity hits and brain goes fucking bonkers?

Main Answer Time

I have no fucking clue and refuse to take on the responsibility of accepting a real answer.

Here’s to making noise in the night your neighbors wish they could join.

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~ by Penny Flame on November 20, 2008.

9 Responses to “A cheers”

  1. A little spooky.. just after i commented about the wonders of solitude and time away from people and the main page reloads you have a new post about how great it can be to have alone time! Awesome so are you introverted (you don’t seem like it all) ? As usually time alone feels refreshing and energising to me.

  2. In reference of your last post, we’re all shallow people to some extent. Or maybe the least shallow people are the ones whose funerals I’ve gone to where tons of people show up and everyone has only good things to say. Am I shallow to only read this blog because it belongs to a very attractive porn*? Yup . . . I am. It’s weird, I always seem to find the lives of those whom I least expect to be genuine “real” people to be the most interesting because how much they prove me wrong. One example is, did you know Shy Love has a Masters in Acct? It’s also surprising to me that you are a normal human being that walks her dog and visits the acai place. It shouldn’t but it does.
    I would have to say I’m one of the nicest hearted person I know yet I’m quite shallow as well, they balance each other? I can be the most talkative energetic kid when I’m comfortable with someone yet can be so quiet when around strangers. I understood the solitude feeling you mentioned. Just because I’m alone it doesn’t mean I’m lonely. But sometimes I fear that I’m getting too comfortable in my own solitude.

    One last thing, good luck with the comedy, my very close friend started comedy young and he’s 22 now. He struggles with the fact that he’s reaching the age where money is important and comedy may be second to that. It’s funny that I need to remind him that Dave Chappelle took MANY MANY years before he made it big. zaijian!

  3. interesting read.

    i digs.

    sounds like a loverly conversation with self.

    i wish i had some kush to spark tho. all’s i got is half a blunt of the seductive black widow packed in a grape dutch:) i see your toast and affirm with the flick of my bic.

    you are quite the fascinating layer cake flame.

    indeed.

  4. Solitude can be beautiful. It’s very pure and easy.

  5. I like the internal analysis and questioning- most narcissistic people are incapable of looking within- escpecially in your line of work it is pretty amazing how honestly you can analyze yourself, your strengths and your weaknesses. Love the blog as always, a refreshing look at a viewpoint one doesn’t find too often! Be well,

  6. Hey Flame,

    Good luck on the book. Writing’s tough but you’ve got the gift, I’ve been engaged to two writers – bright, neurotic, hyper-sexual, detailed, a word for every thought, an unconscious, up-swelling urge to verbalize – some peeps just got shit to say.

    Just keep plunking away at it and it will happen seemingly of it’s own accord.

    On loneliness: it happens.

  7. By all means, give in to the urge to write. Write when you’re happy, write when you’re sad, write when you’re angry, write when you’re giddy … You convey a strong sense of personality, but there is also an ease and readability to your writing that too many writers fail to include.

  8. I spent a year just outside of London, England about 3 years ago and didn’t know anyone…and was very lonely…and I wasn’t smoking either. The thing was that the loneliness was only a drag about 10% of the time, the other 90%, I reveled in it, much like you did, and I probably haven’t been as creative since. I would write a lot, go into the city and go to museums and art galleries…people watch…I watched a lot of movies, and not a lot of TV. The thing is, I’m not a very social person anyway…so for me, it wasn’t THAT drastic a change in my lifestlye to be on my own most of the time…I don’t know how social you are, but I imagine being on your own in another country would be a pretty big change for you.

    Anyway, you seem like a really cool lady (on camera and on here) and I look forward to checking in on your blog from now on.

  9. I must say Penny…you speak and write a good thing here. In other words, you need to keep preaching the good word of Penny Flame and all that is good about her. What you speak gets deep and makes people want to think about themselves. I know how you felt about loneliness…I embraced it only because it gave me plenty of time to think about life and what Matt (myself) wanted in life. Now that I am older and even more lonely, the cold that you embrace is causing a severe case of hypothermia…lets say a decade of lonesomeness. But trying not to defer from my original thought, and I hate to use a song to compare to life, but…”you just do you, and I’m a do me!” So, if you feel too cold in life, remember there are millions of fans out here ready to let you into the warmth of their arms, me included (all the way out here in Michigan).

    Concluding, Penny, keep up the writing…we all love what your doing, who your doing, when your doing it, and why your doing it! Also, give a shout-out when your around the Motorcity!

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